Before I start about anything, I really want to share how did I learn how to change for someone, or rather I was just feeling nostalgic and had a sudden sadness with a need to express through writing. Oddly enough, no one had been able to provide me the comfort of expressing through words. I much preferred writing than looking for someone to tell the story.
Not that I had bothered changing for anyone, but perhaps it was this highbinder who taught me something. You see, I was spoony enough to agree with his solution whereby I think would reflect badly on any other proper lady at that point of time. I would be a blatherskite if I said I never hope he would change his mind eventually. The whole of him had long insiced inside me.
It started out as a challenge of his friends to him. And he did it in such gentleman manner coming over to my table and asked for a game with such grace that did blew my mind away for a second that I had to stand helplessly for a second or two before regaining my composure. It blossomed from then where I find it oddly enough the progress of being at ease to be who I am and wave my hands in a ludicrously caudal fashion as I normally would with close friends of mine, and would kept quiet in shame moment after.
He was one of very few left guys who made so much effort to solve what misunderstandings we had. He basically cossets me like nobody has. Although he loathes that side of me where I go needlessly histrionic. But he had rooted in where I called family, Ohana in Hawaiian language.
So many regrets that eat me inside out for what I did in the past where times I took him for granted. Times where he would act in such antic manner to cheer me up was greatly missed. Such painful moments when we both got cold, catty and fought. No longer sharing the pacifism belief we had. That was when I lost his whole heart and that was when he cut the rope.
Little does he knows that with that rope cut, I felt like I am in an unknown hinterland. With the shmaltzy memories overwhelming, where I used to spiel like I am rushing, all the angst, and all unnecessary verboten actions, I indulged in alcohol for a period of time. Rather silly to reflect what happened in the past since I could not drink. Such weak pot that few cups of Blacklabel are sufficient to kill me, part of the reason I restrain from drinking when I had nights out with friends. It is a "no-no" and first on my principle to be sober and for safety reasons. Perhaps because I am a hypocrite who thirst for a long meaningful life, but, you get what I mean.
A sense of lost? Or is it regrets on how I managed my life? I do not know. Or maybe I am afraid to find out what failure I am. But I managed to divert a little pain from there to get on with my routine. Friends played the biggest role in easing that pain although they are not aware of. I have sinned for I used them for my comfort. To all my friends who had seen me in moody times, where I seldom give reaction, when I am not myself, when I did not care about you when I should, or when I am acting a little sadistic, I am sorry. It was very hard for me, please understand. Every day, I died a little by little and all this followed with a loud thump of truth revealed. Every sentence of truth I read sliced me thoroughly through the atrium and ventricle. But it was the truth that pull me through. It was the truth that made me beat my conscious self and stop caring so much about him but start caring about myself already.
Frankly, nobody gets out from relationships unscathed. Unless you never did love in the relationship. From this "putsch", I certainly had to crawl a hell of stairways to get me where my emotions are standing right now. Stable, would be an over statement but at least I am able to control most of my outburst. Rather composed, you may say. Getting on from where he cut the rope, he never did fail to remind me whenever we talk on the phone that we are no longer "an item". These words often pained me inside out till a month passed that I finally beat myself up from the mud. That was when I grew numb with these silly little words that initially leaves a scar. By a month, I was able to divert my thorough miss and thoughts onto performances, dances, colleges, and friends I have neglected.
Girls, there is no point to hope for what you want to listen and live in a lie. Truth is never subtle nor gentle. So buck up and pack all the feelings, expectations, memories in that corner of your heart and make space for other matters or people whom you have neglected. Move on with the flow, whether or not to wait, that is your personal choice I am aware I have got no liberty to get hold of. But you can choose to live a meaningful period of waiting instead of leaning against the wall and tear. Cry all you want in that night, do not be afraid to admit you are not okay, get it over with and start your fresh day constantly reminding yourself of what you have been through to get there. We can always choose how to love, just because they left us, it does not change the fact that you still care and love him. Send your merits to him, pray for him, send him your love mentally, because that, is where you achieve unconditional love where all the mothers in the world are giving to their child. The most sustainable, powerful love.
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